Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I used to, but then I realized that they don't feel authentic to me.
Don't get me wrong, intention is a critical piece of living well and being mindful...but resolutions by their very nature are goal-driven. Goals are easily forgotten precisely because they ignore the intent behind attaining any given objective. 
Without intention, we wouldn’t do much of anything. In fact, all of our actions rely on some kind of intent, whether we are aware of that or not. For intention to work, you also have develop mindfulness, and to develop mindfulness you have to develop intention. In other words, they work hand in hand and you can’t do one without the other.
Resolutions fail because they don't originate from mindfulness or breakthrough. They are driven by a calender, a change of the season, the perception of rebirth or renewal and not by intention. There's no mindfulness is saying, "I wish to lose weight." The key, of course, is to be aware of the process of change without getting lost in the mental ball of string.  You have to know how the tape you play in your head influences action, and by examining the desires beneath the need for change, see what is driving intention in the first place.
I already work on those things most important to me. I keep myself in good health, I eat well and I exercise often. I am gentle with my children, and I meet their needs without losing myself.
So, I'm resolution-less. And that's a good thing.
But that's not to say that I have no ambition.
I've been working really hard these last couple of months to improve my functional power on the bike. It's going well. My Power/Weight ratio in October was a pathetic 2.72. As of last week, I was hovering around a Power/Weight ratio of 3.31. I've been training on pedal efficiency, too, which has been a real challenge for inefficient me. I've been busy doing a lot of high-cadence drills, and that has improved my stats on that end, as well.
Of course, the easiest way to raise your Power/Weight ratio is to drop some excess weight. This is where I get frustrated. The better my overall diabetes control, the more insulin I require, and the more weight I gain. I'm still in a plenty healthy BMI range (20.2)...but, like most women, I would love to lose about ten pounds. It's such a source of irritation to me. I realize that the blood sugar control trumps any cosmetic issue I might have, and that my performance on the bike would suffer far more if I had uncontrolled blood sugar, so I am dealing with it and trying to manage down a pound at a time.

Midori and I, splitting a low BG treat.

And, on the diabetes front, things are well. I have found this space where my blood sugar is where I want it most of the time. I still get robbed of the occasional good day, which in fact happened just yesterday - on New Year's Day. I was skiing with my kids, having a good time, enjoying the weather and a break from the bike...and then realized I was low. I checked: 44. Super low. I spent the next two hours trying to get myself back to golden, so I could keep skiing and playing with my kids. Those are the days when I get angry.
At the same time, I looked up and saw my son - the boy who we were once told would never run or play sports or even talk to us - ski triumphantly down the hill, without the aid of his parents and without the slightest inhibition. I am reminded every day that life is as much about overcoming as it is about enjoying the process and the intent behind our actions.



  1. Great point about insulin and weight gain as it really is a double-edged sword. I'm runner thin, but not as thin as I should be given that I run 50+miles a week and I'm fairly certain it's because of all those correction boluses. Add to that the fact that I'm also hypothyroid and it adds up to 5-10 pounds that I can't manage to shed despite how I live. Not that 5-10 pounds is worth whining about, except it is, because every ounce counts when you're trying to maximize power or speed! As I tell my doc -- this isn't about how I look, it's about how fast I am. :)

  2. I don't make resolutions either for the exact reasons you mentioned above.
    However, the other day while Ryan and I were sick in bed he told me he makes resolutions. I shook my head and thought, oh god, finally a red flag. Then he went on to explain that one year his resolution was to learn to juggle (and he did learn). I had a different view after that. He makes resolutions... they don't have to be big and life changing. They can be as small as learning to juggle. I thought that was cute.

    I think we need to get together and write about the difficulties of insulin and weight loss.

  3. Yes, Marcus. It's really all functional for me, too! I know that it's a whole lot harder to gain speed and endurance than it is to just lose a bit of weight...unless you are shooting human growth hormones all day long, and eating your way out of the occasional low. Before I was on insulin, I weighed about 122lbs. I'll be the first to tell you that I liked the aesthetics, but I was getting murdered on the bike. I'm much faster well controlled and a bit more stout.

  4. I like that. Little, not-so-life-changing bits of fun. And yes, we should write something!