A friend of mine had a nice, quiet drive home after promising a cookie to the first of her three children able to successfully lick his or her own respective elbow. Parenting gold.
I have , I confess, committed my share of similar infractions. Here, I purge my guilt:
- Once, in a busy doctor's waiting room, while trying to keep my toddler from touching the office contagion, I busied Midori by telling her to seek-out the banana in the Eye Spy picture book. There was no banana. It was just a cruel ruse.
- I cheat in Candy Land. Not to win...but to make the game end sooner. Seriously, a Candy Land marathon is like the seventh layer of hell. Ever been 2/3 of the way to King Candy, and draw the Gumdrop card, or get sent all the way back to Grandma Nut? Yeah, that right there will bring you to your knees. I don't care who you are.
- Our bedroom door is never locked, and the kids are welcome to come in anytime, at will. But they won't enter between the hours of five and seven, because those are the hours during which I have told them that, "Mommy is busy wrestling the monster hiding in the laundry basket." You wouldn't want to get eaten, would you?
- I try to send thank-you notes to everyone who purchases gifts or attends events for my kids, but they are often months late. And, if I don't like you, I will dump an ass-load of festive confetti in the card, just to piss you off. I do the same thing when I send out Birthday invites. It's my passive-aggressive way of feeling better about things.
- I have consumed wine from a sippy cup. More than once.
- I gave my daughter a spray bottle filled with leftover Bitter Apple and vinegar (to keep the dog from peeing on the Christmas Tree), and told her it was "Monster Mace" so that she would quit coming in to our room at two in the morning. She now Mace's anything that crosses the threshold, and most especially her brother, who smells a lot like a salad.
- Sometimes, when I know my kids are not paying attention, I alter the content of their bedtime stories. Ever read, "Furious George at the Aquarium" or "Strangers Have the Best Candy?"